Ernie before Daddy

When I first moved to the States, I lugged with me a huge Ernie that I've had with me for a long long time. Yes, he took up almost an entire suitcase but it was worth it. He's now Kayla's new best friend. And she has a name for him: Eh-Eh.

Ask Kayla where's Ernie and she'll turn her head to look at him, squeal in delight, and then shriek, "Eh-Eh". Ask her where Daddy is and she continues doing whatever she's doing. I guess she's acting like everyone else - learn only what matters most to you. Which brings me to her second favorite thing: her bath time rubber duckie. He's "Duck Duck Duck Duck..." or close. So far, those are the only two things she's got names for. The rest of the world gets random sounds, including Mommy and Daddy. Ouch!

And here's a little announcement, something I never quite envisioned I'd be doing: I've finally taken the plunge and come Aug 1, I'll be a full-fledged stay-home mom. To borrow a tired phrase, it feels like a huge weight's been lifted off my shoulders. I think I can finally put working mom's guilt to bed. And hopefully in her place will rise a happy stay-home mom who'll be there at Kayla's every milestone.

The past six months have been rough and for now, I think this is probably a step in the right direction. Of course it'll mean lots of lifestyle changes but I believe it's worth it. Especially when she finally utters, "Da-Da and Ma-Ma."

Wish me nothing but the best, will ya? :)

Where Sleep is Scarce

Just when we thought we had her sleep pattern all figured out, it's morphed into a jumbled mess - again. She likes waking up in the middle of the night these days, refusing to be tucked back into her crib. Sigh. Mikey, the model dad, has been suffering the brunt of it.

We don't know what's bugging her. We don't see any teeth (still none, should we be concerned?), I feed her right before her bedtime at 8pm, and we always make sure she's snug and warm. In what I believe is desperation, Mikey has come up with a theory (the room's too bright) and removed all the night lights. We're keeping our fingers crossed it'll work.

I've been reading so much about babies and sleep that I'm all confused now. Some recommend letting the baby cry it out (sorry, can't do it), others say you've to establish healthy sleep habits now (no cradling or letting her fall asleep while nursing in the daytime or she'll expect the same service at night - what?!) or suffer. Suffer we have been, and suffer we will.

I think all moms who claim their babies sleep through the night are lying! Okay, maybe that's just my sleep-deprived jealousy talking. But seriously, why won't mine?

Nitey Nite. Don't let the bed bugs bite.

Big and Beautiful

Mikayla seems to have gotten over her fear of strangers, well at least for today. We took her to the grocery store and there must have been at least three or four who stopped to gawk. But what came out their mouths more often than not wasn't quite what I'd hoped for. "Oh, how many months is she? OH...she's BIG!" First they say she looks like a boy. Now.... she's gone from boy to big! How about beautiful next? It starts with "B" too.... :)

I'm not too bothered though I'm surprised that folks are calling Kayla a plus-size babe. One lady even commented that she looked like a one year-old. Mikey has a theory: She's big only because I'm small. Size contrast, so says my man.

Matter of proportion or not, it's been a while since I've uploaded some munchkin pics. Enjoy!

Baby Products I'm Loving

Advice from friends, how-to books, and parenting websites have all been a great source of support and help on this challenging, yet fulfiling journey. But I also have to give credit to parent and grandparent inventors who've made motherhood that much easier (not for our pockets though!).

Here's my current list of motherhood must-haves:

The Boppy Pillow - makes nursing much more comfortable for baby and me
The Buggy Bagg - you put this over high chairs and shopping carts. not quite a necessity but it's so cute we had to get it!
BabyLegs - super duper cute baby leg warmers that protect their knees when they start crawling
Baby Cubes - food storage cubes that fit into the freezer as beautifully as the diaper bag.
Robeez - cute, comfy shoes for even the non-walking tot.
Patemm diaper changing pad - babies outgrow the changing pads that come with diaper bags so fast. This roomy round diaper pad leaves plenty of room to grow, plus it doubles up as a play mat.
DaysAgo - The inventors sent me a couple when I wrote a piece on them, and these digital counters have been mind-savers! Helps me keep track of how many days ago a jar of baby food was open.
Ergo Carrier - Kayla loves being in that when she wants to see the world, and I love using it cos it doesn't hurt my back or shoulders!

There are tons of essentials that I've left out (bottle sterilizer, milk storage bags, stroller, diaper bag...it's impossible to list them all). Just consider these some of what I think are the most brilliant and clever inventions. :)

Ber Ber Ber

My little baby learned a new word (sound rather) this week: Ber ber ber ber. And she's so proud of it she would repeat it over and over and over again. Her grin widens when you say it back to her: Ber Ber Ber.... Banana!

Who knows what she'll come up with next? I can barely wait. :) On a more serious note, we might be having a mini childcare crisis in the next couple of weeks. Babysitter might need a couple weeks off for medical reasons and we haven't quite figured out an alternative. Like the Chinese say, we'll cross that bridge when we get there.

What else am I missing?

Like many things these days, this slipped my mind a couple of blog posts ago. Kayla was so tired that she fell asleep while eating. It's hard to put into words how adorable and utterly ridiculous she looked as she nodded off to sleep, strapped to her high chair, a bib round her neck, with a mouth full of what I believe, was peas and brown rice (from the supermarket shelves, of course - I haven't reached that level of domestic goddess-hood). It was to me one of those priceless parenthood moments that will forever be engraved and live to be retold over and over and over again.

Just how many of these precious moments have I missed out in the past months? And how many more will evade me? It's become clear as crystal to me that I can't have it all - a career, time with my daughter and husband, and stories to tell when Kayla asks, "What kind of baby was I?"

From the time I get home from work (usually around 5.30pm, barring bad traffic) to the time Kayla goes to bed (typically around 8pm, sometimes earlier), we have less than three hours together. And most of that's spent feeding her, giving her a bath, and getting her ready for nitie nite. She's usually too pooped out to sit through a storybook that I'm dying to read her, and too tired to do anything really, even play. I know it's all about quality time, but the only time I seem to have with her are weekends, which are increasing filled with errands and engagements. Where does one draw the line? How does one find the balance?

Somedays, I feel she's growing so fast that I don't really know her anymore. She's gone from the wee one I cradled in my arms to my little chunky monkey who's outgrown mommy's short torso. Has it come to a point where I've stretched myself so thin that's it's become a lose-lose situation - for me, and for her? I'm stressed out at work, trying to accomplish more in less time. By the time I get home, my baby's too tired to get to know me. Is there any point in trying to "have it all" when at the end of the day, no one's completely satisfied?

I'm trying my best to answer these questions. Perhaps the answer's right in front of me, but I'm choosing not to see it. And why?

Paper Chase

Shame on me! It's been almost a week since my last post. But I've my reasons (ok, excuses). My back's been aching - she's heavy. I've been super tired - lack of sleep. And well, Mikey just started his new job so we're all adjusting to the new schedule and whatnot.

Kayla's bruise is fast disappearing. Her babysitter explained that she took her eyes off her for just a couple of seconds to check on her son, Jonah, and that's when she fell and hit a plastic toy (couldn't quite catch the name of the toy but it rhymed with wiggles i think). I'm just keeping my fingers crossed it's never going to happen again.

This week, Kayla also consumed some bits of paper. I was to blame. Was working on the computer when she reached out for a magazine mailer. I gave it to her thinking she was going to flip the pages, only to find out, minutes later and to my horror, that she had chewed up a huge chunk off one corner! She had paper bits all over her mouth but the rest of it was in her tummy, I presumed. Great, I thought, maybe we'll find a Post-It in her poop.

Another milestone: Someone gave us one of those doorway jumpers where she can basically bounce up and down for hours in. For two days, she couldn't quite figure out how to use it. To bounce, she technically has to push off both feet... but I guess she didn't feel safe enough to do that. Today, she started pushing off one foot and it's pretty hilarious.

Did I miss anything? I'm sort of writing this in a huge rush cos my bed beckons and my back pain is near unbearable. I'm hoping sleep will be my cure-all.

Big Bruise

And I wasn't even there to see how it happened - yes, that totally sucked. According to the babysitter, she had put Kayla on one of those walker toys and Kayla fell, hitting her right cheek against a plastic toy that was lying on the floor. It must have been a hard hit because the bruise was big and bumpy.

It was an even harder hit for me emotionally. Broke my heart to see my baby come home with a big bluish black patch adjacent to her eye (like she had been in a fight), knowing that I wasn't around to comfort her when she was in what must have been horrible pain. I'm extremely upset.

I'm also terribly disappointed with the sitter for not watching over her more closely. Yet I feel, to some extent, indirectly responsible because I chose to return to work, leaving her in the care of a stranger. I've been thinking for weeks now to ditch my day job for a full-time mom gig. Maybe this is my wake-up call of sorts.

Passport please.

We finally got down to applying for a passport for Mikayla in anticipation of heading back to Singapore in December. The queue at the post office wasn't long, but the wait for the passport is going to be. It's going to take three months and that's not guaranteed. Expediting it would have cost us $140, which is an extra $60 - and still we would have had to wait eight weeks. Thanks, but no thanks.

Applying for her passport got me thinking about her citizenship again. As far as I understand it, we've up to a year to get her Singaporean citizenship http://www.mfa.gov.sg/sanfrancisco/citizenship.html. We're at the halfway mark and we still haven't made up our minds. None of the Singaporean moms I polled informally here have applied for Singaporean citizenship for their kids - they tell me they see no reason to, especially when their little ones are boys. With National Service and all, I can see how things can get complicated once they turn 16, but for little girls, the only real downside is going through the trouble of renouncing her citizenship (if she chooses to) at 21...unless of course girls get pulled into National Service as well.

Thoughts on this, anyone?

Laughing out loud - fish market loud

The past couple of days have been pure joy, so much so I wished I didn't have to go to work. Gasp! I can't believe that just rolled off my tongue...rather, my fingertips.

Even though no one can figure what Kayla's been jibber-jabbering about the past couple of days, watching her plasters a permanent smile on my face. She's been da-da-ing, ba-ba-ing, and gibberish-ing, splashing about in the bath (i think she's finally figured out baths can be fun), and shrieking herself silly. She's one perky, peppy, playful baby - or at least when she's around us.

Speaking of which, we conducted a mini social experiment on Saturday when we went to a barbecue at one of Mike's ex-coworker's Redwood City home. Setting: More than 20 people yapping away, about a dozen kids screaming and running around, plus a ton of strangers who couldn't wait to meet Kayla. Hypothesis: She was going to cry the house down. Result: She wasn't the friendliest baby but she wasn't all that grouchy either. Conclusion: She's cool with children, but still not so cool with crowds, not yet.

Whatever the case, we're in no hurry for her to transform into the social butterfly all babies become. And until then, I'll save and savor every chirpy chuckle and carefree chortle in the chambers of my heart and corridors of my mind.